Taking Care of Mom

Grammy, My Mother (or Mom’s Mom)

As Grammy, a very independent and intelligent woman, got older and began to lose her mobility due to arthritic knees (and underlying heart and breathing problems) it eventually became clear that she could no longer live alone in her split level house. She had been there for almost 50 years, over 10 years after Dad died. She was not able to walk up and down the stairs anymore, which was essential for living in this house design.

The only option she finally agreed to is for her to sell her house (which luckily my husband accomplished at a good time in the market) and move into a one level apartment. Fifty years worth of accumulated possessions, business papers, clothing, books, and junk had to be divided and conquered. With a team effort by my husband, my bother (Grammy’s other child) and her two grandsons (my two kids) we cleaned, sold (“as is”) and moved Grammy into a brand new rental apartment situated halfway between my brother’s family and us, each being about ten minutes away which seemed perfect and good enough for her to go along with the changes, a bittersweet mixture of leaving the old and moving on with the new. A bit of relief to be rid of most of the unnecessary accumulated stuff of the past five decades and our family’s gumption to see it go.

This new 2 bedroom/2bath apartment perfectly situated for her to be able to drive right up to her patio door and park in a spot just feet away from her new place. No stairs and minimal walking needed. We went with the two bedroom set up because she was moving from a big house and a one bedroom seemed too small, considering we thought the time was coming shortly that a home health aid or nurse would soon be needed. As it turned out it was a nice place for her to live for two years while she was still able to live independently. She refused a roommate, any helper, and denied having trouble at all.

We are talking about an extremely independent woman. She refused all help and as far as she was concerned, didn’t need any. She began to have a hard time getting into the bath and shower. It was crucial for her to NOT FALL! Before she moved in we made sure that grab bars were installed correctly in the bathroom. We researched other basic bathroom safety products and purchased essential equipment to keep her safe. In providing simple toilet handrails that just screw on to the seat she was able to use the toilet on her own without the assistance of another person to get down and up. We also made sure to provide a bath bench that allowed her to sit down if she wanted or needed to while taking a shower. And the last basic essential safety product we put in her apartment bathroom was a grab bar installed on the bathtub edge that she could use to hold on to while getting in or out of the shower/tub. She could still be independent and carry on with dignity. It would have been much better if the bathroom was equipped with a no ledge step in shower but since this was a rental they would not allow us to make any modifications, which ultimately was a deciding factor in her moving out two years later.

Grammy got a case of gout which made walking impossible for while. We got her a wheelchair which was necessary to move her around and later as she got better, we found a great walker with wheels and handbrakes and a seat. It is officially called a rollator and proves to be both a useful piece of equipment that allows her to walk much more than she could with only a cane or with no assistance. She actually loves it as she feels more stable and in control. She can also put her bag or newspaper on the seat. The more she uses the rollater the better she gets because instead of sitting around all day she is more likely to move around on her own with this mobility aid and get much needed exercise and stretching of her legs. She’s actually lost weight, in a good way now that she is more “active”.

When she began to forget about taking her medicine consistently, we made calendars, divided medicine by days and weekly compartments which at first did help. She could not easily do her own shopping and when she did she would usually leave the groceries in the back of her car to bring in “later”. This usually did not work, paper goods ok, ice cream not. My husband and I would continually drop by to check on her well being, to bring food, clean up, take out the garbage, give her medicine, take her to appointments, drive her places and just visit. We were most concerned with her decreasing inability to go out with her many friends. Her driving got worse and so did theirs. She started to stay home, not get dressed, not eat consistently and not answer the phone if it was not near her.

Eventually, with our encouragement, she made the big move to an assisted living facility. At least there she has lots of others to talk to all day and she is not isolated in her own apartment. She has made many new “friends” and still occasionally sees her old ones (they are all old ones!). She allowed us to take her car from her for the first winter so she wouldn’t have to worry about the difficult driving weather and thankfully she realized that her reflexes and driving safety was decreasing. It was a test run; after the winter she could have the car back if she felt she needed it. As it turned out she decided to give the car to her granddaughter who was away at college. That was a win-win for getting Grammy to stop driving. Now when her friends pick her up in their cars to bring her to meetings, card games, lunch out or what ever, she is using a brand new travel walker just for these occasions. This new to the market one is very portable and light weight that she can manage to fold up and store in her friends’ cars on her own. This new walker comes in black, classy bronze and her personal favorite, a beautiful color rose. She’s the styling Grammy. She has the independence she wants and the safety measures that are aimed to keep her from falling…so far so good.